


Hiding

by allANN



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-08 04:02:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5482586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allANN/pseuds/allANN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Actually, could you read the essay out loud to Ella and me?" Erin asked. </p><p>"I, um, I'm not sure if I can get through it without breaking down," Ashton explained, her face turning red with embarrassment. </p><p>"There's nothing wrong with that," Erin responded, immediately. </p><p>"Maybe not to you, Ms. McLeod. But not all of us feel comfortable crying in front of other people," Ashton exclaimed, annoyed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ella Masar and her wife, Erin McLeod, retired from professional soccer after long and successful careers. Today, they have twins, a daughter and a son, in college at Penn State. Their daughter plays on the Penn soccer team, and their son, having inherited Erin's height, rows crew for the lions. Ella is now the high school soccer and strength coach, and Erin is an English teacher at the same high school. 

Ashton grunted as she pulled herself into another pull-up. Then she dropped from the bar, and began her fifth set of 20 push-ups. 

On her last one, her arms gave out, and a tear fell from her eye. She quickly wiped it away, then slammed her fist into the ground in frustration. Right then, a voice cut through her music, "hey, Ashton." 

Ashton quickly rid her face of any stray tears and pulled off her earphones before turning around to face her high school soccer coach, "hey, Ella. What's up?" Students were allowed to call the PE staff by their first names. Ashton looked at the clock and realized the time. "Shoot, sorry. You want to lock up. Let me just put my stuff away, and then--"

"Ashton?" Ella interrupted the girl. 

"Yeah?" Ashton mumbled, while still returning weights to their spots on the rack. 

"I'd actually like to talk to you for a sec, if that's okay?" Ella asked. 

"Um, well, I have to go, so maybe another time," Ashton said, hurriedly putting stuff away. 

"Are you lying to me right now, so that you don't have to talk to me?" Ella asked, with one eyebrow raised. 

"I, um, yeah," Ashton sighed, plopping down on one of the weight benches. 

Ella sat across from her on another weight bench, and decided not to beat around the bush, "Why were you crying?"

"I wasn't crying," Ashton replied, quickly. 

"Ash, I saw you crying," Ella deadpanned. 

"It was my contact," Ashton insisted. 

"Is that why both your eyes are red and slightly puffy right now? And why your eyelashes still have tears on them?" Ella pushed. 

"Fine, I was crying. So what. People cry sometimes," Ashton replied, rudely. 

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm asking why you were crying?" Ella said, patiently. 

"I'm just frustrated."

"About what?" 

"I don't know. Everything; school, being injured, life. I know it's dumb because I'm lucky I'll be able to play again and I'm lucky I can go to school, but I don't know," Ashton trailed off. The girl had torn her ACL seven months before, and was still in rehab. 

Just then, the door opened, and Erin McLeod walked in, "Hey, El. Oh! Hi, Ashton, I didn't see you through the window." Erin was Ashton's 11th grade English teacher. 

"Hi, Erin," Ella said, giving her wife a quick kiss. Ashton settled for a small wave. 

"Ready to head out soon?" Erin asked, totally unaware of the previous conversation. 

"I'll just go. Bye, Ms. McLeod, Ella," Ashton said, trying to make a run for it. 

"Ashton, sit back down," Ella requested, rolling her eyes at the teens third attempted escape. Ashton sighed, and once again sat down on the bench.

"I was actually looking for you after school, Ash. Are you guys having a serious conversation? Or can I join?" Erin asked the two. Ella looked to Ashton for the okay. 

"Why not?" Ashton agreed, resignedly. 

"I wanted to talk to you about the paper you turned in today," Erin spoke while rummaging through her briefcase to pull out a paper heavily marked up in red pen. 

"You already read that?" Ashton questioned, weakly. 

"I did," Erin confirmed. "And I have to say, I was not impressed."

"Erin!" Ella muttered, amazed her wife was being so forward about a poorly written paper. 

"No, Ella. It wasn't up to her usual par," Erin addressed her wife, before turning back to Ashton. "You didn't format it correctly. You didn't title it. I mean, did you even spell check it?" 

"Sorry, Ms. McLeod, I'll do better on the next one," Ashton used the response she thought would end the conversation. 

Erin sighed, "Ashton, let me tell you something. You're a lot like Ella."

Ashton looked up incredulously, "Me? Like Ella? No, she's, like, a peasant," Ashton referred to the soccer world's running joke about Ella, who had been dubbed a 'peasant' by the Canadians more than a decade ago. Unfortunately, the name had stuck, and she was often referred to as 'peasant Ella' by her team. 

Erin half-smiled at that, "yeah, I know. But I don't mean like that. You two have very similar personalities and defense mechanisms. It's actually sort of weird." Ella nodded along with her wife. "You both workout when you feel too many emotions. Neither of you trust very easily. And when you want a conversation to end, like right now, you respond with what you think I want to hear." Ashton's face turned a light pink at that. "This is our third reflective essay of the year. Your last two managed to be good essays without mentioning anything even remotely personal about yourself." Ashton stared at her shoes. "And I let that go because I get that you don't trust easily. But at this point, you should trust me, and you should at least turn in a well written essay. Not this piece of crap."

"Sorry," Ashton mumbled. 

"I'm not mad, Ash. More disappointed than anything. But why did you turn this in? We both know you can write better than this..." Erin trailed off. 

"I don't know. I didn't really have much time," Ashton responded while staring at the ground. 

"Ash, you write essays ten times this good in-class in an hour. Time is not an issue for you. Try again," Erin waited, expectantly. 

"Well, yeah, you're right, but, um, I wrote this essay in 20 minutes," Ashton said, her eyes flicking up to meet Erin's for a second before returning to the ground. 

"You had two weeks to write it!" Erin exclaimed, a bit annoyed Ashton spent so little time on this assignment. 

Ella placed her hand on Erin's arm to calm her wife before speaking, "Why only 20 minutes? We both know you take your school work seriously, but that doesn't sound very good."

Ashton just shrugged in response. 

Erin sighed, and then prompted the girl, "Ashton, we can't read your mind. And I know you don't want to talk about it, but right now you're looking at a pretty bad grade on a pretty important essay."

It was silent for a full minute before Ashton started talking, "I wrote it right before class today. Because, I, um, well, it's the second essay I wrote."

Ella's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "So you had a better one ready to turn in?" 

"I, uh, yeah."

"Jesus, I feel like I'm talking to you, Ella. Ash, why? Elaborate, please," Erin said, exasperatedly. 

"Hey!" Ella interjected. "I elaborate without prompting!"

Erin chuckled, "Now you do. It only took ten years." That got a slight smile out of Ashton. "So, Ash?" 

"Um, well, it was personal. And like you said, I don't really do personal. So I got nervous right before class, and wrote a different one to turn in," Ashton said, quickly and in one breath. 

"Do you have the first essay with you?" Erin asked, gently. After a few moments, Ashton nodded in response. "Can you get it?" 

Ashton stood, and slowly walked over to where her backpack and gym bag were unceremoniously thrown into a corner. She rummaged through the bag for a second before pulling out two crumpled pieces of paper. She smoothed them out while walking back over to the two women. "Here, uh, I guess you can read it," Ashton almost whispered, extending the papers toward Erin, her hand noticeably trembling. 

"Actually, could you read it out loud to us?" Erin asked. 

"I, um, I'm not sure if I can get through it without breaking down," Ashton explained, her face turning red with embarrassment. 

"There's nothing wrong with that," Erin responded, immediately. 

"Maybe not to you, Ms. McLeod. But not all of us feel comfortable crying in front of other people," Ashton exclaimed, annoyed. 

"Ash, I write things down when I'm frustrated, I've told you that," Ella started. Ashton nodded and Ella continued, "when I'm mad or sad or confused, I give Erin letters that I wrote and she always makes me read them out loud. The first time she asked me to do that, I actually said something really similar to what you just did."

"But a little more rudely and with more swearing sprinkled in," Erin mumbled. 

"Hush, you," Ella said to her wife. "But it helps. It really does. We're not going to judge you for crying, and we're not going to tell anyone about this. So please, just try?" 

"Fine," Ashton sighed before beginning to read her essay. 

"The funny thing about closets is that they can be both incredibly safe and terribly confining. My closet started as a safe place. It protected me from the questions, allowed me to dodge the pronouns, and let me ignore the jokes. It allowed me to be like everyone else. And that’s what I have always wanted, it's still what I want, to be like everyone else.  
But as time has passed, I've realized that in trying to conform, I’ve closeted away what makes me, me. When that thought first surfaced, my closet suddenly became confining.  
When I first realized that my dream looks different from everyone else's, the closet was safe. It was a place to lie low and hope that my dream would change. But now, years later, I've realized that I still want a different future than most. I still want the American dream, a future with a white picket fence and kids and a goldfish and maybe even a dog, but not with a husband."

Halfway through, tears started running down her face. When she read the final sentence, she stumbled, "because I'm, because I'm a, because, be-" and that's when the first sob came from Ashton. 

Erin immediately moved across the small gap separating the two benches and gathered the now sobbing girl into her arms. "You can do it," Erin whispered. "Say it out loud. It's just a word. It can't hurt you."

Ashton took a deep and choked the sentence out, "because I'm a...lesbian."

Ella moved to the girls other side soon after Erin, and put an arm around Ashton. "Oh, Ash. It'll be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will," Ella mumbled over the top of Ashton's head. 

After a few minutes, Ashton was able to catch her breath. Her coach and teacher slowly relinquished their tight hold on her, and she was left sitting next to Erin with Ella's arm still over her shoulders. 

"You okay, little one?" Erin asked, smiling sympathetically. 

Ashton nodded then spoke, "I'm sorry you had to see that. I know that-" 

"Ashton," Ella interrupted, "I'm not even going to let you finish that sentence." Ashton closed her mouth, but stared at her shoes instead of saying anything. 

"We're so thankful that you shared that with us. And I'm so, so proud of you for saying it out loud," Erin rubbed Ashton's back softly while speaking. 

"It was a beautiful piece, Ash," Ella agreed. "Incredibly brave."

"Thanks," Ashton mumbled, still studying her shoes. 

"Ash?" Erin questioned softly.

"Yeah?" Ashton whispered. 

"In your essay, you said 'it's still what you want.' How come?" 

"How come, what?" Ashton responded. The girl understood the question, but was attempting to delay having to answer it. 

"Why do you want to be straight?" Erin asked, bluntly. 

Ashton shrugged, resigning herself to answering, "doesn't everyone?"

Erin looked at Ella over Ashton's head, a little shocked by this answer. 

"I don't want to be," Erin answered, forcefully. 

"Well, you, you're, I don't know," Ashton sighed. 

"Ash, come on, you don't normally make sweeping generalizations. Why do you want to be straight?" Ella questioned further. 

"I, I don't know, I mean, I know my parents won't care because my big brother is gay, but I don't want people to, like, blame them, you know?"

Erin's eyebrows were furrowed, "no, I don't know."

"Because somehow two of us turned out gay. I don't want people to think it was how they raised us or something," Ash explained, staring at the ground. 

"Ash, there's nothing wrong with being gay," Ella said. 

"I know there's not."

"Do you, though?" Erin fired at the girl. "Cause if you think that other people will judge your parents for having two kids who 'turned out gay,'" Erin used finger quotes around Ashton's previous statement, "it sounds like you think there's something wrong with it."

"I just, I, it's fine when it's other people, but I just never thought I would, I don't know. I didn't think I would have to be okay with me being, being it," Ashton said, emphasizing the word 'me.'

"Being what?" Erin pushed. Erin didn't want the girl to be afraid of the word. 

"You know what I mean, Ms. McLeod!" Ashton exclaimed. 

"She wants you to say it, Ash," Ella interjected. 

"I know what she wants, but I don't want to say it! I don't want to talk about this! And I don't want to be, be, I don't want to like girls!" Ashton started yelling. 

After a few moments of silence, Ella spoke up, "unfortunately, that's not a choice you get to make."

"Well, who the fuck made it?! It's not fair! I just want to be like everyone else," Ash had started out yelling, but her voice lowered to a whisper, "why can't I be like everyone else?"

"But, Ash, don't you see? That's why. It's so that you're NOT like everyone else," Erin exclaimed. 

"I don't get it," Ashton mumbled, brokenly. 

"This difference has taught you so much about yourself, and it'll teach you so much about the world," Erin further explained. "Through all the adversity, whether people hate you or love you for who you are, you'll learn more than you ever could otherwise."

"But I don't need this to teach me! I'm not saying I get the whole world, cause I definitely don't, but I understand adversity," Ashton insisted. 

"Not this kind. You can't understand this kind until you've been through it," Ella spoke softly. 

"And that's what's so valuable," Erin tag teamed, "you can't understand discrimination from a chapter of a book. You can only experience it. So as much as you hate being gay," Ashton visibly flinched at the word, "it makes you different, it makes you understanding and accepting and stronger."

After Erin spoke, the only sounds that could be heard in the weight room were the humming of the ice machine and generator. "Honestly," Ashton finally said, "I'm still not happy with this. But I hope time will make it better."

"Oh, Ash, it will," Ella pulled her into a hug. "I'm excited for you. Coming out to yourself is the hardest part. As cliche as it is to say this, this is going to be such a time of discovery for you!"

"'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom,'" Erin stopped, smiling slightly. 

Ashton finished the quote for the teacher, "I do know that you stopped there purposefully." Ashton turned to Ella, and cynically stated, '...it was the age of foolishness' comes after that."

Ella chuckled, "Glad to see your sarcasm has remained intact. God knows how worried I'd be if it hadn't." Ashton cracked a smile at that.

"So, Ash, I hope this isn't the last time you talk to us like this," Erin prodded. Ashton's head snapped up, slightly panicked at the thought of more of these conversations. "Don't worry," Erin said, holding up her hands in surrender, "they don't all have to be heart to hearts."

"But, Ash, really, it's so much easier to do this with people than alone." Ella waited until Ashton made eye contact with her and nodded before continuing, "You and Erin can talk about clothes or whatever, and you and I can talk about girls. It doesn't have to be serious, but we will hunt you down if you don't come to us."

"Why do you get to talk girls with her?" Erin asked, semi-seriously. 

"Because Ash and I have zero in common with our wardrobes. You two on the other hand," Ella gestured to the two of them, "must shop at some of the same stores with how similarly you dress."

"That's not good logic for usurping the best topic of conversation," Erin pouted at Ella. Ashton was now grinning at the volley of arguments going back and forth between two of her favorite people at their school.

"FINE!" Ella exclaimed. "We can all talk girls together, and then I'll leave, and you can talk clothes. Happy?" 

"Yes!" Erin replied, bouncing a little in her seat. 


	2. Chapter 2

Three weeks later, Ashton was finishing her set in the weight room when Ella walked in. "Do you need to lock up?" Ashton asked. 

"Nope, just here to talk to you," Ella responded, plopping down on the swivel chair by the desk in the corner. Erin followed her in a few seconds afterward. 

"This is strangely familiar," Ashton mumbled. 

"Yup!" Erin exclaimed. "We walked by and you were re-racking your weights, so we figured you were finished. You free for a bit?" 

"Do I have a choice?" Ashton snarky replied. 

"Nope, so let's go kid, my office is waaay more comfortable," Ella responded, drawing out the 'way.' Ashton finished racking her weights, grabbed her backpack and gym bag, and followed Erin out the door and up the stairs to Ella's office. 

The three of them piled in, and Ella pulled the door shut behind them. The small room was cozy with the three of them inside, but not crowded. 

"So you promised us you'd come talk to us," Erin started. "But then you didn't."

"You never put a time frame on it," Ashton said. 

"We thought you'd understand that we meant within this month at least," Ella deadpanned. 

"The month isn't over yet!" Ashton exclaimed. 

"It's the 31st," Erin responded, leveling the girl with a stare. "What's the real reason you haven't talked to either of us?"

"I don't know," Ashton mumbled. 

"Ash," Ella started, warningly. 

"Fine! I guess I just don't want to be a nuisance, or whatever."

"We literally told you to come talk to us!" Erin shot back. 

"I know, but I don't know. I think I think too much," Ashton trailed off. 

"Yeah, I agree," Ella said. 

"Hey!" Ashton spoke, softly. 

"You said it," Ella responded. 

"Look, Ash, we want to talk to you. End of story. So don't make us come find you next time, okay?" Erin paused to wait for a response. 

"Yeah, okay," Ashton mumbled. 

"Okay! Good. So how's life?" Erin asked. 

"It's fine. You know, same old, same old."

"How's Erin's class going?" Ella asked, smiling mischievously. 

"It's going well. It's actually her favourite class," Erin butted it, glaring at her wife playfully. 

"I hate to be a suck up, but it actually is," Ashton smiled, ruefully. 

Erin fist pumped, and turned and stuck her tongue out at her wife. 

"Do you watch Scandal? 'Cause the new season just came out on Netflix!" Ella said, spinning around in the chair she sat in. 

"Nope," Ashton responded. 

"Wait, you don't watch Scandal? What do you do in all your spare time?" Erin gaped. 

"I watch other shows!" Ashton exclaimed, defensively. 

"Like what is even worth watching besides Scandal?" Ella deadpanned. 

"I, uh..," Ashton tried to think of a show she had watched recently, "Law and Order: SVU!"

"Okay, while I do love Mariska Hargitay, SVU does not count as a show worth watching. That's a staple. Literally everyone watches it. What's a new show, that hasn't been running for 15 years, worth watching, other than Scandal?" Erin conceded and then shot back. 

"Oh! The 100!" Ashton remembered. "I binged watched like the whole first season in one sitting."

"I have no idea what that is," Ella said. 

"I think I watched that!" Erin speculated. "Like, 100 kids go to earth after living in space for a long time?"

"Yup," Ashton agreed. 

"Ella, google it," Erin then mumbled the rest of her sentence, "you'll figure out one reason why I bet Ash likes it just from the cast pictures."

Ella spun around in her seat and googled the show. "You're into blondes Ash?" 

"What?" Ashton sputtered. "Where did that even come from?"

Ella spun her computer around to show Ashton the picture of Clarke that was filling her screen, and she raised an eyebrow in question. 

"I, I don't-, she's not the one I'd be into," Ashton finally got out shyly. 

"Wow, I was so right. You do watch it cause the main characters are hot!" Erin snarked. 

"No! It's a good show, really! But also Marie Avgeropoulos is really, uh, really pretty."

"I think 'hot' is the word you were looking for there..." Ella trailed off, questioningly. 

"Yeah, hot, she's really hot," Ashton agreed, smiling even though her cheeks were tinged slightly pink. 

"See! The girl does have a sexuality!" Erin said to Ella, teasing Ashton.


End file.
